Satire Piece: Boys Will Be Boys

We all have had our sons called to the principal’s office, but are any of your daughters being unruly? Have no fear! Our clinic has just put a new behavioral medication on the market, Politephan!

Has your daughter sat with her legs uncrossed, spoken out of turn, or asked for dessert? We won’t stand for that, either! Talk to your physician about Politephan. While your sons are tracking mud through the house and using their allowance to buy fireworks, are your daughters setting aside Barbies to play with fake swords outside? Correct that behavior with Politephan!

We know that boys will be boys, but girls must be girls. With Politephan, your daughter will go back to practicing ballet, to listening to you dream about her wedding and your future grandchildren, and to sweetly smiling for the camera while wearing a frilly and pristine “Daddy’s girl” shirt while your son is punching dad in the nutsack. Don’t let your little princess be rowdy! She must be on her best behavior for the cheerleading tryouts that mom signed her up for.

We know how hard it is to raise a son that you just throw video games in front of, so the last thing you need is a daughter threatening to watch TV. Don’t let her embarrass you while she’s a flower girl and your son is outside eating leaves. Don’t let her ask you, “dad, why doesn’t my school have more girls sports?” while you’re at your son’s football practice. Avoid any future sexual activity she could have with Politephan while your son is at an abortion clinic for the second time with his newest girlfriend!

*Politephan is to be administered to females only. It could be potentially fatal to young males, causing them to forget the curse words they hear you say and to actually read something instead of sitting in the pantry with some spray cheese. If your daughter dreams of being in the WNBA, then triple her dosage. If you think your wife may ask you to do the dishes, it is perfectly okay to sneak some Politephan into her wine.

Talk to your doctor about Politephan!

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